Marvel Masterworks: The Ex-Man

I'd like to introduce you to a buddy of mine.

Well, maybe not my buddy yet, but the way things are going, I'm pretty sure I'll be talking to him very soon.

His name is Nick. C. Thompson, Esquire. He is a Louisville, Kentucky Divorce Lawyer.

Why Louisville, Kentucky? Well, I found him on the internet, and really, just look at this man - he looks like he knows what he's doing.

And I'm sure I'll be needing someone with experience to "get it over with" as soon as possible.

Don't let me mislead you here: it's not that I'm LOOKING to divorce my beloved husband of 18 months. I'm madly in love with Donovan, he's absolutely PERFECT in every way.

But there is someone who doesn't want us to be together anymore; someone who is attempting to drive us apart, and who won't stop until we've officially split.

And the worst part: he's using Donovan's innocent love of, and passion for, comics as the bait.

Wil is the man who is single-handedly responsible for supplying Donovan with the pages of comic books to colour. (I hear Wil reads my blog occasionally, so Wil, this one's for you!) :)

Marvel Masterworks: The X-Men vol. 6 is the bait, and, like a siren, Wil uses this clever, knavish and deceitful temptation to persuade Donovan to linger, thus causing the destruction of our marriage.

Wil is Donovan's supplier of comic book pages to colour. And wow, does Donovan ever LOVE to colour comic book pages! Ever since Donovan was a little boy, he knew he wanted to be involved with the comic book industry, either as a superhero himself, or, if not, then the colourist of a book.

Now Donovan used to work at a place called Digital Chameleon, where he did this work full time. And it was his job - he'd go to work, do his thing, and come home to do as he desired.

Donovan isn't at Digital anymore - he has another job, but thanks to Wil, it's like Donovan's working 2 full-time jobs! Wil just won't stop delivering the goods for Donovan to colour! And I don't blame him, Donovan is supermegacrazyhypedup talented when it comes to that - and I used to think that, at first, that's all it was, was Wil recognizing Dono's talents as mind-blowing, and as asking an old friend for some help.

But nowadays, I'm convinced Wil is bombarding Donovan with pages so much that his intentions are no longer to give Donovan something to just keep him occupied every now and then. Oh no - Wil's intentions are to assault Dono's talents and consume every morsel of free time he would ever hope to have, inevitably leading us to divorce! Everyday, when I come home from work, or have a day off, I look forward to spending time with my husband - but alas, I cannot, as he is tied up finishing up a page or starting a new book!

"Hey Donovan, want to go out to a movie tonite?"

"No sorry, I've gotta finish this page for Wil."

"Hey hun, wanna fool around?!"

"No sorry, Wil just sent me another page!"

HA!

I'm convinced Wil is trying to drive us to divorce with all this extra work he's giving Donovan. So from now on, I am officially dubbing Wil, the "Ex-Man".


disclaimer: Wil, I'm totally just ribbing you on here! Don't stop giving my husband the extra work - he needs the money to buy Mamma a new pair of shoes! :)

Let me get this off my chest...

I need to take this opportunity to address something.

It's something that's been at the back of my mind for a very long time now; something that I have suppressed for many years, but it's something that can still resurface and eat away at me when I least expect it.

And so now, I'm going to let this ghost out of my closet. I'm going to come forward and hopefully, by addressing this issue, this demon will never again taunt me.

So please, sit back, relax, and attempt to understand my anger/frustration/humiliation as I begin to unfold this story for you.

The year was 1992. I was in Grade 9 at St. Boniface Diocesan High School. My first year in high school, and believe it or not, I wasn't "cool". Sure, I had my little group of friends, but we weren't "bad" by any stretch of the imagination. We were the nerds - the "baddest" thing we ever did was maybe run around with scissors in our hands, or like one time in Art class, I purposely left the cap off of the glue bottle. Boy, did I ever feel BAD! But when it came to things that really mattered - fashion for one, but we won't go there - no, things like MUSIC, I sure wasn't "down" with what the kids would call "hip".

I was feeling like a bit of a loser, and I needed to rebel.

(Imagine that!)

So one day, before class started, I took a spot at the back of the classroom. All the cool kids were congregating at the front, sitting on top of their desks, talking about how bad they were. They were dressed in black, playing air guitar with each other and raving about Metallica, and it was then that I decided, "This is it! I'm going to be bad now!"

So I reached into my Hello Kitty pencil case and found a black pen. Ooooh, I was going to be so bad I could TASTE it! I was going to vandalize school property! And I was going to do it by scrawling something on my desk!

But I couldn't write something "dirty", that wasn't my style. No, I would not only be bad, but I would show my coolness by writing the name of a popular rock band on my desk! I couldn't pick something that would incriminate another classmate; I had to choose the name of a band that was still popular, but that wasn't mentioned as much as Bon Jovi or Slayer.

Who's that band that sings that hit song Jeremy? That band of hooligans with that lead singer Eddie Vedder, the one the girls were always drooling about?

Oh yes!

My body shook with anticipation, and my hand anxiously began to write the name of this band, but I had to do it quickly so no one would actually witness my act.

There - it was done! I had done it! I was bad!

I sat there, at my desk, proud of this pivitol moment in my teenage-hood. Class had begun, and I couldn't focus on anything except for the words that I had covertly scribbled on the desk, shuffling my papers around inconspicuously to get someone's attention, only to act as though it had been there before I had even entered the classroom. No one knew - and that was ok. I knew how bad I was, and that was all I needed!

I was satisfied.

Fast forward to a couple of weeks later...

My friends and I were headed to the classroom for our lesson on adjectives and pronouns. As we turned the corner, I saw that the cool kids weren't congregated at the front of the room as they normally were. No, this day they were sitting around MY desk, banging their heads to the lyrics they were singing, oblivious to my personal treasure that was just beneath them. I excused myself past them, and took my seat. My act of vandalism was still sitting there, staring up at me. Just as I was admiring my handiwork, one of the cool kids caught the object of my gaze... and proceeded to point.

"Hey!", he exclaimed, "Look at this!"

The cool kids all leaned in to see what he was referring to. My smirk was undeniable.

Until he started to laugh.

"PerAL Jam!" he snorted.

What's this? I spelled the name WRONG????

My smirk began to subside.

"HAHAHA!!!!" he continued. "I remember when I wrote this!!! PerAL Jam! Man, I'm funny!"

Ok, NOW I was mad! Not only did I SCREW UP my only chance at coolness by spelling the name of Pearl Jam wrong, but now, right before my very eyes, this cool kid was taking the credit - and being hailed by his buddies as a funny hero!

And that's when I decided I would only enjoy music by bands whose names I can't screw up.

I love U2!

Slogans I Hate

Year after year, season after season, advertisers from around the nation all flock to one common sales tag line to highlight their offerings for any particular time of year. And this drives me nuts! Where is the creativity, people? My guess is advertisers are just getting lazy now - and hey, what may have worked ONCE (the first time it was used 20 years ago), why not use it again? And again? And AGAIN?

This drives me crazy.

(To see other related things that make me feel this way, visit "Words that make me crazy".)

The following is a list - albeit a SMALL list - of phrases/slogans/tag lines that drive me mad:

1. For the September-October sales: Fall into savings
And similarly, for the April-May deals: Spring into savings

grrrrrrrrrrr!!!

2. For Valetine's Day: A Sweetheart of a deal!

GRRRRR!!!!!

Ok, so honestly, those are the only ones I can think of. But believe me, if I think of any more, I'll definitely put them up here! Help me out guys, what am I missing? What slogans do you see/hear that are just plain irritating?!!!

Happy Valentime's...uhhh...ValentiNe's Day!

"Zellers...where Customer Service is ZERO!"

I received my weekly flyer from Zellers in the mail last Wednesday, and the savings advertised on the front page were amazing! A little mini "boombox" for only $20, and - here's the kicker - my mother's favourite fragrance, Oscar de la Renta, a 4-pc set, on sale for 50% off! I was so excited to have discovered this little gem, and I couldn't wait for Saturday morning to arrive to partake in the flyer's advertised "Saturday Store Crashers" sale. The flyer stated "limited quantities, no rainchecks available", so I knew we had to be there first thing in the morning.

So Donovan and I went to bed early on Friday night, and set the alarm for 7am - one hour prior to store opening. By 7:30, we were out the door, half asleep and without makeup on (that goes for just me now, since Donovan stopped playing in his rock band!).

We were pleased to see that only a few cars littered the lot, and that eager Zellers patrons were already beginning to line up outside the doors in the nippy winter air. Donovan and I quickly walked (we didn't want to look like nerds and RUN to the still-locked doors) past the elderly folk to make it to second in line.

Our enthusiasm could barely be contained - we were mere moments away from indulging in the spectacular savings that this establishment was about to offer, and we began to salivate just thinking about the incredible deals we were about to sink our teeth into! Our plan was in place - we decided our mission would be best served if we split up: Donovan was going to make a bee-line for the stereos, and I was going to get the perfume.

And so the moment of truth - the sales girl approached the doors and began to unlock them (a procedure that took far too long for my liking...no doubt she wasn't as anxious as we were about her employer's fabulous offerings). Once the doors opened, Donovan pushed his way past the old woman and her middle-aged son who were ahead of us in line to race towards the electronics department, and I headed for the fragrance section.

The race was on! The flyer stated that "limited quantities" were available for the perfume, and I could see others following my lead, but I had a good start on them. There was no way they were going to catch up!

Soon I reached the fragrance section. Should be an easy find - it was, after all, a "Saturday Store Crasher". I was expecting to see flashing lights and big neon arrows pointing to this spectacular little deal. I circled the counter once, twice, thrice (because thrice is nice, according to Fr. Darren, the priest who married Donovan and I). Then the herd of women who were miles behind me started to approach the counter, too. They saw me frantically searching for this perfume, and they, too, began their own hunt. But to no avail!

So I decided that, instead of circling aimlessly and perhaps running the risk that this fragrance was placed in another section of the store, I decided to abandon my search efforts and seek out a friendly sales representative to assist me.

The sales representative (Susan, I believe her name was), began to inform me that the store had only received ONE fragrance set, and that substitutions were beign made in lieu of this.

ONE????

Now I'm no expert here, but how can you have a Saturday Store Crasher sale with only ONE item in stock? And never mind THAT, I was the first one to the counter, but that ONE they spoke of couldn't even be found!

And never mind THAT!!!, the substitution they were offering was some smelly Addidas cologne! How can you compare Oscar de la Renta with Addidas?? Absolutely absurd!

Susan brought me back to the counter to show me the Addidas, and the sign posted where the Oscar was SUPPOSED to be - the sign read "temporarily out of stock, rainchecks available".

"Well, that's fine, I'll just get a raincheck for the item," I told Susan.

"But the flyer says 'no rainchecks'," Susan informed me.

This is where we meet the next character in this misadventure - she was Large and In Charge, and she was NOT taking "no rainchecks" for an answer!

"Well, the sign says right here that rainchecks are available, so I'll just take this sign to the Customer Service desk and get my raincheck," Large and In Charge said, as she removed the sign from the counter.

"Well, the flyer says NO RAINCHECKS, so I'll just take this sign back, and you can try going to the Service Desk to see if they'll give you one anyways," Susan said as she began to take the sign back.

"NO, I'LL take this sign," Large and In Charge said, as she ripped the sign out of Susan's hand. "If I give it back to you, I may never see it again!"

Needless to say, I followed Large - if anyone could do anything about anything, it was her, and seeing as how I probably would've given up my attempt after being told to forget it, Large wasn't settling for that.

So we made it to the Service Desk, and sure enough, the same dialogue ensued.

"Well, the flyer says no rainchecks available."

"But this SIGN says I CAN get a raincheck."

The Service Desk lady got on the phone, and as she did this, Large turned around to me and the others in line who sheepishly followed her on this pilgrimage to claim our coveted rainchecks, and she proudly exclaimed loud enough for all to hear:





"Zellers....where Customer Service is Zero!!!"




No one was really sure exactly what she meant by that, but God bless her, she was simply trying to stand up for what she believed in - and it worked!

"Put me down for 2 sets," Large told the Service Desk lady.

When Large was finished, it was my turn - and I asked for 2 as well. One for my mother, and one will go to a shrine that will pay homage to Large and In Charge, for, if it weren't for her, none of us would be in possession of a raincheck for a product that never even existed.

Thank you, Large! For it is your wisdom that I shall share with others, and your words that shall one day be my epitaph - Zellers...where Customer Service is Zero.


ps. Donovan did find the boomboxes, and we each purchased one - although the boombox will never take the place of Oscar.

Currently playing: Kanye West - Gold Digger

Words that make me crazy

Now I'm not a literary genius. I'm the first to admit my communication skills are sometimes less than perfect, my grammar isn't always up to par, I'll use a word in the wrong context.

But sometimes, some people are just plain SILLY!

The following is a list of words - SIMPLE words - I've heard people use (or misuse, as the case may be).

Scratch "misuse".

The following is a list of words, phrases, and names people blatantly abuse!

1. Valetime's Day
2. Supposebly
3. Dark Vader
4. Liberry
5. Comfortful
6. Chester drawers
7. Expecially
8. It's not pronounced "cue-pon", it's a GD COUPON!
9. Pacific, instead of "Specific"
10. Sammich
11. Somewheres

Sure, modern languages were formed by people saying things differently. At some point, when enough people start using a new word, it sooner or later makes it into the dictionary. "Ain't" made it. I think "dis" is even in some dictionaries now. A new word is one thing, but blatantly pronouncing a word incorrectly doesn't sound clever or cute to me. It makes me cringe. What's worse, is that it's infectious. Everyone starts copying it. Why? This has been going on for years.

But how is it that some people can hear a word mispronounced a few times, and then start saying it, intentional or otherwise? And what really boggles the mind is this: somewhere in the world there must exist (or must have existed) the very first person ever to say it. Who the heck is this person?

Feel free to post your favourite misused and mispronounced words! As much as it drives me crazy to hear it in conversations, it's fun to read about!

Currently listening to: Donovan attempting to drill holes into our plaster walls to hang pitchers...I mean, PICTURES ;)

I spy with my nosey little eye...

New neighbours have just moved in next door....

I think they're a younger couple, lots of activity going on last night.
When I peeked out the window this morning, I noticed their SUV wasn't parked in the back...where are they, and why didn't they spend their first night with a new home IN their new home? Weird!

I'll do some more spying, and report back again soon!

Spam, Spam, Spam

I've never heard the name "Trina Miner" before. So to see her name in my inbox, and having her address me as her friend even (no stranger has emailed me and called me their friend since this), had me curious.

Subject heading: My friend, you are in trouble

So my friend Trina writes:

We offer INSTANT DOWNLOAD! You will no need to wait 2-3 week for CD delivery - you can download any program and PC games at once you have purchased it! Most of program packages are within 50-150 MBs and even if you have slow modem connection you'll be able to download for an ONE day.

First of all - SWEET JEEBUS, I had NO IDEA how much trouble I was in! If I had only known sooner - thanks, Trina!

Now I'm not going to get into the importance of staying in school, although I KNOW the author of this email - my FRIEND - was just dying for some proper education. But I suppose where she's from, back in the Ukraine, her family was just too poor to send Trina to school. So Trina left the small village of Bucksaminchukinski (and changed her name from her Slavic-rooted Olga Vladimotzchinski) to pursue a life in the realm of the least educated - no, not with monkeys at the Zoo (in Bucksaminchukinski, the locals were so poor that they eventually ate all the animals in their zoo, so the only mammals they had to display behind bars were uncles perpetually drunk on the Moonshine and infectious rodents) - no, Trina went to pursue a life in the Spam biz, sending emails to her friends around the world and offering INSTANT DOWNLOAD! Of course, with the instant cash Trina makes ("You will no need to wait 2-3 week for CD delivery" = instant bucks), she sends a cut of her pay back home to help support her struggling village.

Nice work, Trina. I'll take 48. (Us Ukies have to stick together!)


Currently playing: Guns 'n Roses - Sweet Child O' Mine